So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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