so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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