don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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