I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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