I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
