the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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