Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
