You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
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Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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