New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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