i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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