i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
