I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
