I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
