you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
