He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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