ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
