He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
