So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
