Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
