Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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