Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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