just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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