im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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