Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
