Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
