i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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