I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
...so i touched it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
