It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
