Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
