I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
