I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
