Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
