i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
