True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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