Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
