You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
