Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
