you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
