I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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