apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
