Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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