i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
