You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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