there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
