ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
