Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
