Betty ford says i'm here all night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
