paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
