its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
