Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
