in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
