I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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