i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
