I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
