She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
