Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
