i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
